There’s a Southern protocol for aging and death

Have you noticed that Southerners seem to handle aging and death with a healthy blend of reverence and irreverence?

The “Golden Years” has given author and folklorist Roger Welsch, now 81, a platform to transition from storyteller to geezer-at-large.

(Welsch was discovered by Charles Kuralt, who brought him on his “On the Road” television series for the CBS Evening News. They worked together for many years.)

Roger Welsch’s father, Chris Welsch, was struck by lightning at age 14 and was in a coma for almost a week. The boy survived but was deaf for the rest of his life.

“At 65, I began to go deaf, the result not of lightning but of a lifetime a rock and roll music and unmufflered tractor engines,” Roger Welsch wrote. “I grew to understand how Dad dealt with his physical problems; he laughed at them.”

“From his tiniest problems to his biggest, he laughed. Never with irony or cruelty, and almost always at himself.”

No question, laughter is the best medicine for recovery from illness and disease as well as an antidote for the miseries associated with growing old.

Hearing aids jokes became a Chris Welsch specialty. The doctor looked into his patient’s ear and sputtered, “There’s a suppository in here.”

The unflustered patient replied: “So, that’s where my hearing aid went.”

When one’s memory begins to fail…and one’s “forgetery” seems to take control, Roger Welsch recommends making a to-do list. He said: “Each morning, I make a list of what I have to do that day, and then I know I am done when I lose the list.”

Welsch said he believes the ideal retirement party is a private affair with no fanfare, “so people don’t drop by your place and bother you” afterward…because they think you need company…and drone and drool on with idle, rocking-chair chit-chat.

He said: “A couple of weeks ago I was jarred into a cruel reality when I got a letter from a friend notifying me that I was going to be his ‘vacation destination’ for the summer, and he’d be dropping by to spend a few days just sitting on my back porch with me to help me pass the time.”

“I marked ‘Deceased’ on the envelope and sent it back by express mail in hopes of heading him off before he loaded up the RV and headed my way. The Golden Years are bad enough without becoming a ‘vacation destination.’”

There is a softer side to Roger Welsch. He concludes: “Now, after all that whining and bellyaching (about the perils of growing old), here’s the bottom line: The Golden Years actually aren’t all that bad. In fact, I’m having a pretty good time of it despite the occasional glitch in the hitch.”

He said: “Every new problem that comes along has the advantage of reminding me that things could be worse, and there’s considerable hope that they will be better. Besides, what’s the alternative?”

Welsch transfers the baton to Southern writers Gayden Metcalfe and Charlotte Hays. They are co-authors of the book Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Official Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral.

The co-authors are about as Southern as you can get. Home is Greenville, Miss., in the heart of the Mississippi Delta.

They report that Southern funerals are akin to church socials, and “you can always tell when a Methodist dies, because there are lots of casseroles.”

Southern funerals are all about food and drink, fellowship and music. For the reception following the funeral and burial, Metcalfe and Hays say: “Poulet John Wesley (fried chicken) is the ecumenical dish…it can sit on the sideboard for hours and still be delicious.”

As a side dish, serve up some Methodist Party Potatoes. The recipe is in the book, but it starts with frozen hash brown potatoes. Other ingredients are sharp cheddar cheese, onions, sour cream, cheddar cheese soup in a can, butter and corn flakes. (The Episcopalians serve up a dish that’s nearly identical but call it Liketa Died Potatoes.)

The funereal chilled dish of choice is Bing Cherry Salad with Coca-Cola. You will need cherry Jell-O, canned crushed pineapple, canned black cherries (and the juice from both), a 16-ounce bottle of Coke (not in a can) and pecans.

The authors conclude that a Greenville, Miss., “funeral is always a time of stress, and everybody realizes immediately afterward, you need two things: friends and alcohol.” Metcalfe and Hays call the latter a “restorative cocktail.”

Today, Sept. 9, 2018, was my opportunity to cross the bridge to become age 70. I did so with a smile on my face and spring in my step…and a renewed faith in the Word.

A double rainbow was visible in the western sky to illuminate the way. It’s Sunday. Hurricane Florence is headed this way. Is this handwriting in the sky from those who now reside above?