‘12 Days of Christmas’ slashes live performances in 2020

PNC Financial Services Group (PNC Bank) of Pittsburgh, Pa., has effectively lopped off the last four days of Christmas this year, scrubbing traditional performances by the dancing ladies, leaping lords, pipers and drummers. 

The bank’s customers may greet that decision with a “quadruple bah humbug,” but it’s probably in the best interest of public safety during the COVID-19 pandemic. 

PNC’s annual Christmas Price Index (CPI) forecasts how much it would cost to buy all the lavish gifts mentioned in “The Twelve Days of Christmas” song. 

This year, however, the PNC numbers get whacky, because live holiday performances are largely unavailable this year, reported Amanda Agati, PNC’s chief investment strategist. 

“It’s a silent night at most symphonies, and the lights have dimmed on many dance companies,” she said.

PNC said labor costs for the four live acts in 2019 totaled $23,273.96. Eliminating the expense of hiring 42 professional performers (9 ladies, 10 lords, 11 pipers and 12 drummers) in 2020 produces a huge reduction in the budget. 

The bank calculates the price tag for all the items needed to cover the first eight days of Christmas in 2020 is $16,168.10. This compares to $15,661.63 in 2019.

 

The big-ticket expense is for the seven swans. PNC says each swan carries a $1,875 price tag, so seven of those majestic birds will set you back $13,125. 

If we were to substitute seven large “Swimline white vinyl inflatable swan pool floats” that retail at $49.99 each at Ace Hardware, we could shell out a mere $349.93 for the swans and save a bundle. 

That would slash $12,775.07 off the cost of the “seventh day.” (Those jumbo swan floaties could be “re-gifted.”)

 

In 2020, the pear tree, five gold rings and all the other birds (one partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens, four turtle doves and six geese) can be purchased for $2,975.14, which is up only marginally from 2019. 

This brings us to the “eight maids-a-milking.” PNC continues to be a bit naïve about milking cows, and this may be the biggest flaw in the company’s index. 

PNC states that since the federal minimum wage rate in 2020 remained unchanged ($7.25 per hour), it would only have to pay the “milkpersons” for an hour’s worth of work at the minimum wage; a total of $58. This logic is ludicrous. Milking is not for unskilled laborers.

Milking requires special skills that are perfected only with lots of practice, and physical conditioning, according to Steve Judge, a micro dairy expert in Royalton, Vt. 

“Milking a cow by hand is not as easy as it may first appear, so it’s best to know what you are getting into before you take on this important farming task,” Judge said. 

“There are a couple of different grips you can use. The most important thing you can do when hand milking is to squeeze the milk out without pulling down excessively on the teat. It’s similar to getting tooth paste out of a tooth paste tube,” he said. 

“My wife’s great-great-grandmother was a milkmaid in Denmark. Stories of her having to take breaks between cows to rest her hands on the cool stone walls of the milking stable for relief have been passed down through our family for generations.” 

“When you first begin milking a cow by hand, you will find muscles in your hands and forearms that you seem to only use when you hand milk,” Judge said. “Until they get into shape, your arms will burn.”