‘Redneck 12 Days of Christmas’ alters the gift-giving song

You might be a redneck if you’ve memorized the lyrics of comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s 1996 parody of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”

 Foxworthy’s recording, titled the “Redneck 12 Days of Christmas,” climbed to number 18 on the Billboard Hot Country Singles & Tracks chart in 1996, an extraordinary accomplishment for a novelty, seasonal release.

 

The record wasn’t that good musically, but it was laughable. Foxworthy’s humorous shopping list of 12 redneck Christmas gifts is vastly different from the items mentioned in the traditional version of the old English carol, which was popularized in 1909 by British composer Frederic William Austin.

 

Here’s the countdown from Foxworthy’s recording: 

Twelve-pack of Bud(weiser)

‘Leven wrasslin’ tickets

Tin a Copenhagen

Nine years’ probation

Eight table dancers

Seven packs of Redman

Six cans of Spam

Five flannel shirts

Four big mud tires

Three shotgun shells

Two huntin’ dogs

And some parts to a Mustang GT

It’s next to impossible to accurately calculate how much all these items would cost the gift giver. If “nine years’ probation” is meant to be a “get out of jail free” card, the value is priceless. And just how would one go about making those “arrangements?”

On sale, you can find a 12-pack of Budweiser beer for $9.98. Good seats at a WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) professional wrestling event could cost $78 apiece, so 11 tickets would run $858.

 

A tin of Copenhagen chewing tobacco costs about $6.55, but Redman chewing tobacco is no longer in production. In January 2022, all Redman products were rebranded as “America’s Best Chew” to provide “greater alignment with company values.” (America’s Best Chew had been the product’s tagline for decades.)

A pouch of America’s Best Chew retails for $12, so the cost for seven pouches is $84. (Kick the tobacco habit and save $90.55.) 

It would also be appropriate here to insert a team of eight country music line dancers to replace the exotic dancers in Foxworthy’s version…and get him off Santa’s “naughty list.” 

Perhaps we can recruit line dancers from a local senior center in Morehead City to put on a free show. 

Further editing of the Foxworthy lyrics would replace three shotgun shells with three seashells (because I know absolutely nothing about firearms and ammunition). 

Seashells are plentiful here along coastal shorelines wagand free. Just bend over and pick them up. 

Six cans of Spam and five flannel shirts are easy to find. Spam retails for $3.58 per can, so snag a six-pack of Spam for $21.46. Budget $19.99 for each flannel shirt. The tab for five shirts is $99.95.

 

The price of four big mud tires for your truck can vary widely, but we found a sale at one local tire store – listing at $201.67 per tire. So, the tally for four tires is $806.68. 

Finding two top-notch hunting dogs is quite another matter. A pair of pedigree pups might run as much as $4,000.

 

“Parts for a Mustang GT” is an open book. The exact number of parts and their complexity is not addressed in the song. (Foxworthy, along with his buds, may have consumed a bunch of the Buds by the time he finished the song.)

 

Suppose we bundle some spark plugs, splash guards and front and rear brake pads specifically designed for a Mustang GT? One source says the cost for those car parts would be $220.95. 

Ready to check out? Grab a calculator and start crunching the numbers. The “tobacco-free” redneck Christmas gifts included here add up to $6,017.02. 

Jeff Foxworthy is a generous man.

12 redneck Christmas gifts list proves to be a ‘bargain’

 Are you curious about how the redneck bottom line compares to the costs of items in the traditional Christmas carol version? 

Fortunately, we have a good source for the cost of those traditional gifts…ranging from a partridge in a pear tree to the 12 drummers, thanks to a whimsical Christmas Price Index, compiled annually by The PNC Financial Services Group, Inc. 

PNC’s 2023 index hasn’t been released yet, but last year it computed that the total cost to buy all the traditional stuff was $45,523.27.

As you might expect, five flannel shirts aren’t in the same league as five gold rings ($1,245). 

Curiously, most of the birds in the early part of the song – a partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds and six geese – are reasonably priced. Their combined price tag is $2,518.89.

 

The kicker occurs when we get to the seven swans. PNC says their market value is a jaw-dropping $13,124.93.

 

The rest of the original song is “labor-intensive,” requiring some high-priced talent – a demonstration by eight milkmaids and performances by nine dancing ladies, 10 leaping lords, 11 pipers and 12 drummers. Their fees total $28,634.45. 

The lords are the most expensive of the lot – costing a whopping $13,980. This is due to the fact that lords are not indigenous to the United States. These blokes have to be imported from “across the pond.”

 

As a public service, Foxworthy offers the lords a quick tutorial about how to detect rednecks. 

Rednecks are not good spellers of yooltide messages in Christmas light displays.

 

Rednecks believe the perfect treat to leave for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve “is a cold beer and pickled eggs.”

Rednecks buy their wives Christmas gifts like “earrings that double as fishing lures.”